Accessible Pathways

PDA (Pathological Demand Avoidance) might cause this scenario to occur:

It’s 9 AM. You’ve prepared a simple, engaging lesson. Your child takes one look at it and says “I’m not doing that.”

You try again with something different. Same response – or worse, a full meltdown.

You offer choices. You remove pressure. You make it fun. Nothing works. In fact, the more you try, the worse it gets.

Does this sound familiar? If it does, you might be homeschooling a child with Pathological Demand Avoidance (PDA) – and traditional homeschool advice simply won’t work.

As a former behavior therapist and homeschool parent, I’ve seen how PDA requires a completely different approach – one that flips most “homeschool best practices” on their head. Let’s talk about what actually works.

What is PDA (and Why It’s Misunderstood)?

What PDA Is:

Pathological Demand Avoidance is a profile on the autism spectrum and also can occur in children who have anxiety issues. It is characterized by an overwhelming need to avoid demands and expectations. But it’s not:

• Defiance
• Laziness
• Manipulation
• Bad parenting

It’s a nervous system response to perceived loss of control.

Key Characteristics:

Extreme demand avoidance:

• Not just “I don’t want to” – it’s “I can’t“
• Everyday requests feel threatening
• Even preferred activities can become demands
• The more you push, the worse it gets

Anxiety-driven:

• Avoiding demands reduces anxiety temporarily
• Control = safety for PDA kids
• Loss of autonomy triggers panic response

Masking and social mimicry:

• Can appear fine in some settings, collapse at home
• Uses social strategies to avoid demands
• Exhausting to maintain

Why traditional behavior strategies fail:

• Rewards/consequences increase pressure
• Structure feels controlling
• “Logical consequences” = more demands
• Positive reinforcement can backfire

This isn’t about willpower – it’s neurology.

Why Traditional Homeschool Approaches Don’t Work for PDA

Most homeschool advice makes PDA worse:

“Set Clear Expectations”

X For PDA: Clear expectations = demands = anxiety spike

Reality: Vague, flexible approaches work better

“Establish Consistent Routines”

X For PDA: Routines become predictable demands

Reality: Variety and spontaneity reduce pressure

“Use Reward Charts and Incentives”

X For PDA: Rewards = expectations = demands in disguise

Reality: Intrinsic motivation only

“Be Consistent and Follow Through”

X For PDA: Insisting = power struggle = shutdown

Reality: Flexibility and letting go is essential

“Start with Easy Tasks to Build Confidence”

X For PDA: ANY task is a demand, even easy ones

Reality: Interest trumps difficulty

If you’ve tried all the “right” homeschool strategies and they’re making things worse, it’s not you – it’s that PDA requires the opposite approach.

What Actually Works: The Low-Demand Approach

1. Reduce ALL Demands (Even Hidden Ones)

Obvious demands:

• “Do this worksheet”
• “It’s time for math”
• “Finish your reading”

Hidden demands:

• Praise (“Great job!” = expectation to do it again)
• Questions (“What did you learn?” = demand to perform)
• Hovering (presence = pressure)
• Routine transitions (“Time to stop playing”)

How to reduce:

• Declare things without asking: “I’m putting this here if you want it”
• Remove yourself from the equation: “This is available” (then walk away)
• Trust process over product
• Accept that learning happens invisibly

2. Share Control (Real Control, Not Fake Choices)

Fake choices that don’t work:

• “Do you want to do math or reading?” (both are demands!)

Real control that works:

• “What sounds interesting today?”
• Follow their lead completely
• No hidden agenda
• Genuinely okay with “nothing academic today”

PDA kids can smell a trap a mile away. If you’re offering “choice” but expecting a specific outcome, it’s still a demand.

3. Collaborate, Don’t Direct

Instead of: “You need to learn this” Try: “I’m curious about this – want to explore together?”

Instead of: “It’s time for your lesson”
Try: Working on something interesting nearby, letting them join organically

Instead of: “Did you finish?” Try: Not checking, not asking, trusting they’re processing

You’re a resource, not a teacher. A partner, not an instructor.

4. Make Everything Optional (Yes, Really)

This feels terrifying but it works:

• No required subjects
• No mandatory completion
• No “must finish before…”
• Learning happens even when it doesn’t look like it

The paradox: When everything is optional, resistance disappears. When resistance disappears, curiosity emerges.

5. Embrace “Strewing” Over Teaching

Strewing = leaving interesting things around without expectation

• Books open to interesting pages
• Materials available but not presented
• YouTube videos playing in background
• Conversations about topics (not lessons)

Learning happens through exposure, not instruction.

6. Respect the Shutdown

When a PDA child shuts down:

• Stop ALL demands immediately
• Create space
• Don’t try to “fix” or “encourage”
• Recovery takes time

Pushing through a shutdown causes trauma, not learning.

7. Redefine “Productivity”

PDA learning looks like:

• Hours on a special interest (this IS learning)
• Refusing everything for weeks, then sudden deep dive
• Learning that happens in bursts, not steady progress
• Knowledge gained through play, videos, conversation – not worksheets

Trust the process even when you can’t see it.

What This Actually Looks Like in Practice

Give a realistic day/week example:

A PDA Homeschool Day Might Look Like:

Morning:

• No schedule announced
• Interesting book left on table
• Parent working on own project nearby
• Child eventually drifts over, asks questions
• Conversation happens organically

Afternoon:

• Child declares “I’m bored”
• Parent mentions thinking about [topic]
• Child shows interest OR doesn’t
• If interest: exploration happens naturally
• If not: that’s okay, learning happened elsewhere

Week Overview:

• Monday-Wednesday: Nothing “academic” visible – child deep in Minecraft building
• Thursday: Sudden interest in Ancient Egypt (Minecraft pyramid project sparked it)
• Friday: Reading three books about Egypt, asking complex questions
• Weekend: Building elaborate Egyptian world

Total “formal” lessons: Zero Total learning: Massive

This requires trusting that learning happens even when it doesn’t look like school.

When to Seek Additional Support

Low-demand approach helps, but some situations need more:

• Severe anxiety or depression
• Self-harm or extreme distress
• Family unable to meet basic needs due to PDA
• Parent burnout and overwhelm
• Need for diagnosis or accommodations

Resources:

• PDA-informed therapists (not all therapists understand PDA!)
• Occupational therapy for regulation
• Parent support groups
• Online PDA communities

You’re not failing if you need help. PDA is complex and exhausting.

Conclusion

Homeschooling (or teaching and tutoring) a child with PDA requires unlearning almost everything traditional education tells us. It means trusting that learning happens without force, that control is a need (not a behavior problem), and that your child’s resistance isn’t defiance – it’s nervous system survival.

It’s hard. It’s counterintuitive. It goes against every “good parenting” message we’ve received.

But when you shift to low-demand approaches, something remarkable happens: the power struggles disappear, curiosity emerges, and learning unfolds naturally.

Your child isn’t broken. The traditional approach is just wrong for their neurotype.

Trust the process. Trust your child. And know that what looks like “doing nothing” is often exactly what they need.

What has your experience been with PDA and homeschooling? Share in the comments or reach out – we’d love to hear your story!